The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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