Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
