Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
