Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Randomize
