Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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