his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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