i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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