What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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