her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
