I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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