Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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