According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
