Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
