Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
