you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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