Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
