I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
