I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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