so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I don't deserve a penis
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
