I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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