need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
