And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
