Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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