Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
