Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
