yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
