I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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