i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
