dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
