NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
