I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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