She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
