i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
