You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
