Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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