so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
