im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
