I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
