how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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