Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
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