Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He called his prostate his "boner button".
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
