Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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