he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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