listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
