I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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