It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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