Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
