The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize