Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
