I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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