She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
