Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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