My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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