I wish I could teleport
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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