so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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