i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
