Duck Duck Cougar?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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